Who the heck is George Carlin?!

I don't have a clue who this man is (maybe I should Google him) but here are some GEORGE CARLINISMS. I found them in one of my many files I was going through recently. Enjoy!

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? (Sidenote by Kim: We did not evolve from monkeys and apes. We were created in the image of our Heavenly Father).
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? (Sidenote by Kim: I don't agree with this one. Rex is usually the one that is right.)
   
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
12. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
13. What do you do when you see an engangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
26. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
27. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as some adults enjoy adultery?
28. How is it possible to have a civil war?
29. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
30. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
31. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
32. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
33. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
34. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
37. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
38. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
39. Why do they call the place were you park a driveway, and the place where you drive a parkway?
    

and there you have it...a few things to go HHHMMMM about.